Amelia meets her greats

 Two weeks ago we took a trip down to Utah County so Amelia could meet both sets of her great-grandparents.  It was very sweet and I took a lot of pictures.  We started at Grandma and Grandpa Killpack's.    

Grandma Killpack told McKay and I Amelia is their 57th great-grandchild.  

Ever since Grandpa died two months ago Grandma's health hasn't been doing very well.  Grandma has really struggled with Grandpa's death, mostly because after spending 70 years with someone I can't imagine how much you would miss him.  For several weeks Grandma completely lost her appetite and had no desire to take care of herself anymore.  This is so uncharacteristic of Grandma and made everyone in the family worried for her health. My Dad told me for several years Grandma has told him that the one thing she wants to do before she dies is to hold a great-grand baby.  The weeks leading up to Amelia's birth all she could talk about is holding the baby.  I kept telling her if she was going to hold the baby she had to eat her meals so she could have enough strength to do so.  When the day came for us to visit Grandma in Mapleton, my little sister called me on the phone and wondered where we were because Grandma was getting very excited and impatient because she couldn't wait to hold Amelia.  When we got to the house she was almost in tears.  I brought the car seat over to her and lifted the cover and my Dad was able to capture this sweet moment of Grandma seeing Amelia for the first time.

    

For the next two hours Grandma talked to Amelia, held her tight, gave me a lot of advice, kissed her, and sang to her.  She wouldn't let anyone else hold her.   

I love Grandma's face in this picture.  I haven't seen Grandma this happy for a long time. It made me miss Grandpa a lot. 

 

Amelia Ann Killpack

I had a really hard time writing this.  I find it hard to convey one of the most joyous moments in my life into words.  

Two weeks before she was born I went to my weekly appointment where my doctor checked me and I had dilated to 2cm and was 80% effaced.  The next week, I was at 3cm and 100% effaced.  The doctor told me I could have this baby anytime.  My doctor asked me if I wanted to be induced.  I was really hesitant about this because I didn't want to have to have more interventions, I kind of wanted my body to go into labor naturally.  I weighed the pros and cons and decided that it would be nice to have it scheduled because McKay was starting school on the 21st and didn't want to interfere with school.  So it was decided I would be induced a week early on the 16th. 

McKay and I both took the 15th off so we could spend some quality time together.  This quality time was spent cleaning, doing last minute things around the house, and errands. The entire day I kept finding myself thinking, "I can't believe I'm going to be having the baby tomorrow and how much my life is going to change."  I was in a calm nervous mood the entire day.  That night McKay and my Dad gave me a blessing and was what I needed to get me through that night.

That morning on the way to hospital, all I could think of was how these nine months have gone by so fast and   how I've been thinking and dreaming about this day all of my life.

The doctor broke my water and started me on pictocin around 8:30 a.m.  Having my water broken was a weird sensation, it was uncomfortable and I didn't like the sensation of laying in my own
amniotic fluid (yuck). Within two minutes of me being on pictocin, I started to have regular contractions.  
My game plan for labor was I wasn't going to try to be a hero during labor.  When things got uncomfortable I would be making the call to the anesthesiologist.  My contractions got to the point where I couldn't relax in between contractions and it was getting really difficult to get through them. McKay was very sweet and tried to make me comfortable by massaging my feet so I wouldn't focus on the pain.  Two hours into having regular contractions I was done feeling what it felt like to be in labor and had the nurse call the anesthesiologist.





I've heard so many horror stories getting the epidural. I wasn't nervous about it,I was really looking forward to it.  McKay on the other hand had a hard tie with it.  He stood in front of me so I could lean over him while I was poked.  When the anesthesiologist said that I might feel a pop sensation, McKay had to sit down in the chair to take a breather.  Poor McKay.  Five minutes after I got the epidural I felt like I just climbed a mountain.  I was so happy.  It's funny to look at the picture of my before (above) and the picture of me after I got the epidural (below).  I was so happy I started to blog, check Facebook, text family and friends, and make some phone calls.  I've heard so many good things about the Italian Ices you can request at Davis Hospital, I took full advantage of them.  I asked McKay to go get me three different flavors of them so I could see which flavor I liked the most.  After I got my Italian Ice fix, I was able to rest.

 

Around 11:30 the nurse checked me and I had dilated to five centimeters.  I rested some more and made some more phone calls to friends and family.  I was feeling great.  At 1:30 the nurse checked me again and I was at a seven.  A hour later the nurse checked me again, she looked at me and said, "You're at a 10, I'm going to call the doctor."  I was so shocked, I started to shake uncontrollably because the realization of how this was all going to be over was a little overwhelming.  I was expecting to have one of those long and exhausting labors you hear first time mothers have.  Instead I was in labor for only six hours.  McKay and my Mom held both of my hands to comfort me.  I continued to shake until the doctor got there.   

When it came time to push, I had no idea whether or not I was doing it right because I was so heavenly numbed.  After ten minutes of pushing, the doctor told me that he was going to use the vacuum to get her out.  At the time I didn't think anything of this, but later found out he did this to save Amelia's life.  As her head was coming out McKay was in awe on how much dark hair she had on her head.  The doctor was still struggling to get her out so he had to resort to option B, to make a more roomier opening.  Less than a minute later I was able to see that dark haired little girl.  I felt so many emotions when I first laid eyes on her.  Tears of joy ran down my face.  




















There was this climax of all of these emotions of knowing being pregnant was over (yahoo for being able to sleep on my back), knowing that labor was over, the anticipation of being a parent, memories of my Grandpa and how this sweet little person was just with him, and the excitement of knowing that I had a new assignment and focus in life.  I've never seen McKay so emotional in my life.  He's not the type of guy that cries or likes to admit it when he is emotional.  McKay sweetly kissed me, whispered in my ear how proud he was of me and how much he loved me.  I felt so lucky to be sharing this moment with someone who I dearly love. I could tell something wasn't quite right with her; she was really limp and unresponsive.  I was expecting the nurses to put her on my chest so I could get a better look at her and hold her.  Instead they were doing their best to get her stable and breathing.         

At the time we didn't know what was going on because the nurses didn't say much to us as they worked on her.  We were told when Amelia came out her Apgar score was at a one, a couple minutes later it went up to a three, a five, and then to a seven.  McKay could sense something wasn't right with her and started to feel light headed because he was so worried and concerned about Amelia, the nurse told McKay to go sit down in a chair because he looked like he was going to pass out.  When the nurses were able to stabilize Amelia they wrapped her up and let me hold her for the first time. McKay and I didn't get to spend much time with her because after a minute the nurses took her and told us they needed to get her into the NICU to see why she's having problems breathing. 

A hour after labor and delivery was over Amelia's pediatrician came into the room to give us an update on her condition.  He told us they were in the process of running a bunch of tests to see why she was struggling to breathe.  After I got settled into my postpartum room and got the use of my legs back I was wheeled into the NICU with McKay to see Amelia. The neonatologist was there and gave us an update on Amelia's condition.  He told us that Amelia's body wasn't producing this lubricant in her lungs called surfaxin.  Surfaxin makes it possible for the lungs to contract so you can breathe.  To help Amelia's lungs produce more surfaxin, they inserted surfaxin from a pig into her lungs.       

It was hard to see Amelia hooked up to an IV, tubes, and wires.  You could tell Amelia was doing her best to breathe on her own, she was making these grunting noises.  The doctor told us this is her way of trying to get as much air in her lungs.  This was really sad to see her this way.  Later that night McKay's parents came up to visit us and Mckay and his dad gave her a blessing.  It was so sweet to see those big hands being laid upon her tiny head.     

Over the next two days every couple hours we would go visit her in the NICU.  Everyday her lungs were improving.  48 hours after I delivered I was released, but sadly Amelia couldn't come home with us quite yet.  For the next two days McKay and I would drive up to Davis Hospital every four hours so I could feed her.  We were sad that Amelia wasn't home with us, but at the same time it was nice going home and being able to rest and recover and have the NICU take care of her.           

Breastfeeding was difficult because she was being bottle fed.  I didn't realize how complicated breastfeeding could be.  It's like rocket science at first.  There's so many factors that play a role in whether or not you're successful.  I'm glad Amelia caught on pretty quickly and its been pretty smooth sailing so far.
 

After being in the NICU for four days, the doctor gave us the go ahead to take her home.  We were so excited!  Finally, we would be able to feed her at home instead at the hospital.  We became good friends with the NICU nurses.  They helped us out so much.  Also, I need to thank my mom for helping me out so much.  You don't realize how helpful your mother is until you become a mother.  Mom I love you.    

It's been two weeks since she was born.  I haven't gotten much sleep and to be honest its been an adjustment.  There's been times where I've felt overwhelmed and not qualified enough to be a mother.  What trumps all of these feelings is knowing how lucky and grateful I am to have Amelia in my life.  

Dear Amelia

Dear Amelia, 

It's 11:44 p.m. and I'm laying in bed in my post partum room in the hospital and I thought I would write you a small letter.  You were born yesterday and I've never have felt such a wide range of emotion and love for something I've only been acquainted with for less than 48 hours.  I heard of expecting mothers doing this and thought this would be a good idea so I don't forget some of the things I've been feeling up to this point.

Yesterday you were born and I've been thinking of this day all of my life when I would give birth to my first child and meet you for the first time.  I can't believe it's come.  I felt this way when I married your dad.  I kept thinking to myself, "I can't believe I'm getting married.  I can't believe I found this wonderful man to marry, to be the father of my children and grow old together."  Your dad and I waited a while to have you and I hope you understand it wasn't because we didn't want you, it was we needed those years to help prepare us to be your mom and dad.  

It took us a little longer to get pregnant with you. At the time it was kind of hard, but I'm glad we went through that.  When we left it to the Lord, that was when it was the right time.  A week before I found out I was pregnant with you we got Winston. He's been a great addition to our little family and I'm sure the two of you will love each other very much. You can say Winston has been our guinea pig, he's taught us how to take care of a living thing, other than a plant.    

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you.  After many months of failed pregnancy tests, I got a positive test result and I couldn't believe it!  I sat on my bed for about ten minutes with the positive pregnancy stick in my hand thinking to myself, "Is this for real?"

For as long as I can remember, I knew deep down inside you were going to be a little girl. I had a dream about you early on in my pregnancy.  In my dream your great-grandpa and grandma Craig's house was on fire.  I went up to the house to make sure grandma and grandpa were out of the house.  As I did this flames were spitting out of the back door.  As I backed away from the flames I saw this beautiful baby crawling on the ground inside entry of the house. All I can remember of this beautiful baby was she had auburn hair and these big beautiful eyes.  As soon as I saw her I knew it was you.  Without even thinking I ran into the house and grabbed you and shielded you from the flames and carried you to safety.  I instantly woke myself up from this dream hoping that it wasn't real.  When I came to my senses I was so upset about it I didn't sleep the rest of the night.  That was a crappy dream to have, but I know deep down inside that was you and it made me even more excited to meet this beautiful little girl who would be my daughter.   

At 16 weeks we received some test results from you and they came back negative for some serious health problems.  This worried your dad and I to death.  We were able to get an early ultrasound of you to make sure everything was ok.  We later found out the test result was due to human error and that you were healthy and 100% fine.   The only good thing about experiencing this was I was able to confirm that you were indeed a girl. Your dad thought you were going to be a little boy, but I knew he was wrong.  

I'm a really lucky girl.  I didn't have any complications during my pregnancy with you.  Not once did I feel morning sickness, get nauseous, throw up, or was super sensitive to smells and foods.  My appetite did change quite a bit.  To be honest, my appetite increased significantly.  I'm sorry if you inherited my sweet tooth and my love of carbs.

I'm in no way curvaceous or voluptuous, but when I was pregnant with you I never felt more like a woman. Real women have curves and I sure did with you.  Thank you for making me feel busty and hippy.  It was nice to feel like that for a while.

I'll never forget feeling you inside of me moving around like you were doing the tango.  To see you move from one side of my stomach to the other side was always a treat, well most of the time. But it always reassured me that you were in there alive and kicking.

I hope you enjoy being outdoors, being active, going swimming, gardening, sewing, cooking, and decorating because that's what I did a lot with you.  It was fun to have a little buddy to haul around to keep me company.  

This week when I went to my doctor appointment and he told me he was going to induce me, I couldn't believe it. Two nights ago as I was getting ready for bed, knowing that next day I would meet you, I couldn't stop thinking about how my life was forever going to change.  By you coming into my life would change my life, but change me as a person.  I love your dad so much, but have never have felt such instantaneously love for anything as much as I did when I first laid my eyes on you.  The things that mattered to me before you were born don't anymore.  I don't care I have an extra 30 lbs on me, a flabby stomach, and big bags underneath my eyes.  All I care about is loving and taking care of you, teaching you the important things in life, and being a good parent to you.

I feel so honored and lucky you chose your dad and I to be your parents.  I feel extremely blessed to have you in my life.  I can't wait to spend everyday with you.  I know there will be hard days, we might not always see eye to eye, or get a long, but I know that I will learn so much from you.  I hope I can teach you right principles so you can be successful in life.  

Love you so much,

Sincerely,
Your Mom.

"Even bugs think their babies are cute." - Grandpa

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions for my family and I.  My loving, sweet, and beloved Grandpa Craig passed away after several months of declining health.  Back in November my family and I had the great opportunity of celebrating their 70th Wedding Anniversary with them.  It was truly a monumental event.  How many people do you know who have married for 70 years.  Another great achievement is that they've lived in the same home for over 65 years in Bountiful.  Three months ago when my Grandpa's health was declining very rapidly, the family decided to move my grandparents to my Aunt's house temporarily in Mapleton because they had the best accommodations to for my Grandpa's health.  It was hard for them because they have lived independently for so long and now that was coming to an end.

Two weeks ago on Sunday, my Grandpa fell and fractured his hip.  Knowing the hospital wouldn't do any type of surgery to fix his hip, we knew then and there that the only thing we could do is to make him comfortable for the inevitable.  That next day, my family and I drove down to Mapleton so my Dad could give my Grandpa a blessing and be able to say our goodbyes.  He was in a morphine induced coma so he wasn't responsive at all.   It was a very emotional visit for me.  Knowing any hour or any day, my Grandpa, who has been in my life for over 25 years would no longer be here.

My Dad and my uncle gave my Grandpa a beautiful blessing. I don't remember much of it because I was I had tears streaming down my face.  I do remember my Dad saying that he would feel peace and joy when he is rejoined with his family and loved ones.  There wasn't a dry eye in that room, as we watched my Grandpa struggling to continue to breathe.  Each family member was able to take their turn and say something to Grandpa.  I didn't know what to say because I have never had anyone so close to me die before.  I held his worn and wrinkly hand and told him I loved him so much and am so grateful he was my Grandpa. I told him that I will miss him so much and promised to watch over Grandma.  I said some other things, but the thing that meant the most to me was when I said, "Grandpa, watch over Amelia and tell her how much we love her and can't wait to meet her in a few weeks."  Amelia is being named after Grandpa's mother.            

That next Tuesday I received a text from my Dad letting me know that Grandpa had passed away.     

  

The next few days, I was in denial.  A couple days later, it really hit me that Grandpa was gone.  I was asked by my Dad to help write his obituary.  I never knew how hard it would be to write an obituary for someone you care and love so much.  I'm so glad my Dad helped me because it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to write because I wanted to convey the best way I could his life and what a great friend, brother, father, husband, and grandpa he was.

That Saturday was the funeral and I was doing pretty good.  As soon as I saw him in the casket, I lost it.  He looked so peaceful and almost looked like an angel.  My younger brother Cameron mentioned to my Mom that Grandpa didn't look like himself because he wasn't wearing his glasses.  My Mom mentioned this to one of the mortuary guys to see if they has his glasses.  They came back with them in hand and we decided to put them on him; he looked more like Grandpa.

The funeral ceremony went really well.  I used up an entire box of Kleenex.  My Dad talked about Grandpa and what a great example he was.  He talked about some his great sense of humor and how witty he was.  One of my favorite things he would say is, "Even bugs think their babies are cute."  When asking him how he was doing he would say, "I'm doing better then I deserve."  Or when he heard someone was getting married, he would say, "I didn't know she was pregnant?" 
 

This is a quote my Dad used in his talk and I think it expresses how I feel about the passing of my Grandpa: 

“I have a testimony of death.  It is that without death we not fully understand how much we love those who go; and this is equally true of our dying: we know when we are dying how much we love those we are leaving behind.  And I wonder how many of us sufficiently feel how profoundly grateful we should be to death for the way it intensifies our love as nothing else could do.  And how many of us realize that it may intensify our love, not only at the moment it comes, but all our life, if we remember when we are with people that we may not, after all, be always with them.  This thought comes to many people in old age, but it should be with us all our life.

Now, for Mormons, death is not much worse perhaps than a visit to an airport to say goodbye to someone for a long time—every absence is a little death, and death is just a long absence.”

 (Arthur Henry King, The Abundance of the Heart, pg 79-80)



After the funeral we drove over to the Bountiful Cemetery where the burial ceremony took place.  As soon as I walked out of the car and heard bagpipes playing, the flood gates of Niagara Falls came.  I don't know what it is, but whenever I hear bagpipes I get emotional.  They had significant meaning to me today because of Scottish heritage the Craig family comes from, but how Grandpa would have loved to see and hear them be played. 

 

Grandpa was buried with full Military honors.  The burial ceremony was short.  afterwards I found it hard to get up and leave Grandpa there. 

After the funeral I felt like I was able to get all of my emotion out on the table and I've heard people say funeral's help bring closure. I felt this way.



I knew my Grandpa was a good man, but I didn't realize until he was gone how Christ-like he was.  One story that gets to me every time is how he treated everyone he interacted with with love, compassion, and respect.  My Mom notified the housekeepers who've helped clean their house for the past two years know that Grandpa had passed away.  The housekeepers are a husband and wife who own their own cleaning business and are from Mexico.  The husband was so upset and emotional when my Mom told him the news. The husband told my Mom how Grandpa was one of the most gracious and kind man he had ever met.  He said that a lot of their clients treat them like strangers and workers.  But whenever they would come to my Grandparents house, my Grandpa would greet them at the door, shake their hands, and ask them how they were doing.  The husband was so emotional because he never had a client treat him the way Grandpa did.  The husband told my Mom Grandpa treated him like a friend and that meant so much to him.   Another story I heard was when my Grandpa was in the Military, he was over a black convoy back in the day when black and white people were segregated.  There were a handful of these black soldiers who continued to stay in touch all of these years because of the respect and love he showed them.

Thank you for being the best Grandpa a girl could have.  I can't wait to be reunited with you again.  I love you so much and I'm so lucky to have you in my life for so long.

          

Happy 4th of July

Our 4th of July was a busy one indeed, but we were able to squeeze in some much needed R&R and cleaning.  That morning McKay got up at 5:00 a.m. and met some friends from work to go on a bike ride that started from the mouth of Emigration Canyon and traveled through East Canyon, Morgan, South Weber Canyon, and back to Kaysville.  Crazy guy.  I had some other plans that morning.  My work has a parade float and they like to enter into local parades, because I'm in charge of this great endeavor I was able to be in two parades and throw candy and trinkets at people.  I took it easy by riding instead of walking.  

When I got home from the parades, McKay just got home from his bike ride.  We ate some lunch and watched some History Channel about Valley Forge and the the Revolutionary War, we like nerdy shows.  McKay and I both fell asleep for 2 1/2 hours.  We spent the rest of the afternoon tidying up the house.  We went over to my parents for a delicious Baby Back Rib BBQ complete with Fat Boys and other delicious foods.  Of course I ate like I was in a hot dog eating contest.  Did you hear about that on the news?  This guy ate 68 hot dogs and buns yesterday at the Nathan's Famous July 4th International Hot Dog Eating Contest.  How disgusting, I bet that guy was feeling some heartburn later that day.

Here are some pictures of our little growing family.      

After our BBQ we watched the Oak Ridge Country Club's fireworks on my Grandma's deck.  The best part about the day was going to bed early at 10:00 p.m.  Love holidays where I can take a nap, clean, and eat some good food.